There is something to be said in quitting a job and a life
once known. It becomes very easy to slip into the identity of something else,
to change clothes under a bridge and hurl the old version of yourself into the
water. As long as there’s gas in the tank and cash in the bank, the world is
yours and your very own two legs can take you there. I have already forgotten
routines I used to have. Every day is
different. I feel that. I have forgotten all of the user logins and the
passwords that had to changed every 60 days for, security purposes, at a job I
had for years. I have forgotten the feeling to be the first in the house to
awaken, the first to slide under the veil of darkness to drive the eleven-minute
jaunt on a somber parkway, knowing hours from then the traffic would be enough
to cause a standstill. Always an accident. Always craning necks. Always the
same bottleneck intersections.
These past few weeks were a jump, a huge fucking leap into
something completely different and unknown to my entire existence. I have never
not had a job, an obligation, a car payment and now I have none of those things
and the feeling of release is as good as picking a scab. I have thought a lot,
long and hard about possessions, giving back, and how I want to live my life. I
want to own less. I want to own the very best of something, knowing I won’t
have to replace it in a few years. I want to write to people I find inspiring
and tell them how it feels to not feel alone anymore. I want to sleep with a
nightlight on because it feels safe. I want to feel safe every place I set foot
and I want to learn everything there is to learn and then teach it to someone in return.
Growing up I spent nights wishing I had someone to teach me
the ways of the world. I got tired of waiting for that person to arrive so I
became it. I learned to be strong at a very young age. I knew what the world
was like. I was subjected to the news, to the horrors, and sadness that eats
some things up never to be seen again. I have sat in a car waiting for the
darkness to let up. I have sat on the side of a river waiting for a sign that
things would get better. I have shared things with strangers, I have hidden
things from those closest to me and I have stolen from the rich and given to
the poor. I want to strip all of the bullshit away and get back to basics. I
want a reason to believe and I want to blaze a new trail.
Life is so completely
fragile. It is there and then it isn’t and there is regret and there is hope.
And there is missing and there is found and this trip is proving to be all I could
imagine and more and it is so great because I am sharing every day with a
person that sees everything beautiful and takes her time and has a heart of
gold and is generous and kind and I think if I walk away from this half as
good as she is, I will be satisfied. I will have had more than my fair share.
xx
am
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